My name is Retsu Unohana, and I am single
by Seriously Yours
Summary: The 4th division captain contemplates why none of the handsome,noble,brave,regal captains of Soul Society are meant for her. Much Unohana evilness inside. ONE SHOT of pure taichou bashing. Sequel now ON!


My name is Retsu Unohana, and I am single.

My lieutenant Isane once asked me if I found anyone in the Gotei 13 attractive. This was back when she had a borderline stalker attraction towards one Kaname Tosen. This question lingered on my mind even after I had laughed off her question in the gentle caring way people had expected me to laugh.

Did I find any of my male colleagues attractive? The answer was…no.

The fact was, physical appearance wise, many females in seritei would argue that the Captains were quite a catch, but I would not…no, _could not_ have relations with a man who spent more time pampering himself than I did.

Have I confused you? If so, pardon me and let me elaborate. I am a methodical person so let me start from the **first division**.

General Yamamato : Besides the difference of millennia between our ages, I just can't overlook the fact that it would take him atleast an hour to wrap up his beard every morning. Since I braid my hair myself, I know the hardship one has to endure not to let a single wisp of hair escape their bonds. And Yamajii…_never_ has stray bits of beard fluttering around. Maybe he orders his leuitenant to fix it for him….in that case, I need to find the nearest bathroom and stick a finger down my throat.

The **Second Division** captain is female. And I am straight.

The **Third division** currently has no captain. I'm glad for that fact, for there are so many things wrong with Ichimaru Gin that I'd not know where to begin.

Let's skip **fourth division** since I'm not narcissitic enough to fall in love with myself.

Ahhh…**Fifth Squad: Sōsuke Aizen**, Status: Defected. I'm ecstatic that I wouldn't have to speak about him for the reason that Izen Souske never pampered himself. For heaven's sake, that man wore the dorkiest glasses in the whole of seritei. If that was not self-abuse, _nothing_ is.

Oh la la we've come to the **Sixth Division**. Kukchi Byakuya is a prime example of why the word meterosexual exists. I don't want to even _think_ about how early he gets up to partition his hair, stuff it in and pull it out through the fancy hair curlers that he calls "_kenseikan_". News Flash Lord Byakuya: having a swanky name doesn't change the fact that glass _pipes_ appear to be part of your skull. Should I even go on to his scarf? No…I think you get the point.

**Seventh Division: Sajin Komamura.** I think you will excuse me if I skip him. No offense to the great captain, but I do not believe in inter-species crossbreeding.

**Eighth Division.** Shunsui Kyōraku also known as the Romeo of soul society. If I look past the oil slicked hair, the flowery pink haori, the sake filled breath and the droopy eyes, there would be nothing else to see. Since the only way I can tolerate his awful flirtations is to look past all of the above-mentioned characteristics, I do not see him.

**Ninth Division:** One sentence is all the reason I need not to date this particular captain, not even including the fact that he is now a wanted criminal.

_I spend fifteen minutes braiding my hair; __Kaname Tōsen__ spends three hours._

**10th Division,** Even though I suspect little Tōshirō of over-indulging in industrial-strength hair gel, neither that nor my morals against dating minors force me drop him as a candidate. The fact is that no matter how good a healer I am, I cannot heal gay men. For no straight male can keep his focus while living with the heavenly boobs of Soul Society.

**Kenpachi Zaraki, 11th squad.** I would really consider dating this man, if he would only let down his hair sometimes. And I mean that literally. But sadly that's not to be, I once heard he kept his men waiting for six hours while he stole Hitsugaya's gravity defying styling gel and attached bells to his hair _just so_.

**12th Division:Mayuri Kurotsuchi.** Please look under seventh Division. I am against cross-species mating. What? You think that guy is human? Don't make me laugh.

**13th Division: ****Jūshirō Ukitake**. It would make sense even to the village idiot (Hanataru) if the healer got together with the patient. But try as I might I can't get over the fact that Ukitake has prettier hair than I do.

So I remain single…awaiting the day that a no-nonsense, _hetero_sexual, upstanding, human, good-looking, non-pampering male would become a captain of the Gotei Thirteen.

Hmm…I wonder how long Ichigo Kurosaki has got to live?


End file.
